Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
