if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
