I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
