Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
