just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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