omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
