So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
