Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
