i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
