Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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