that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
