I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
