So drunk its hurt
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
