I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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