I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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