My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
