and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
