he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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