I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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