when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
