I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
