I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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