oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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