he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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