My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
