We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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