I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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