dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We had to coat check the pizza.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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