i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
