remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
