chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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