I will die if light touches me.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
