The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
