My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
