I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
do nipples grow back?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
