I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize