I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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