I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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