I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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