Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
