Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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