You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
