Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
tell me about the eggs
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
