Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
