just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
