theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
