I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
