Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
