i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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