This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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