ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
