its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
