Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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