peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
