you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
