I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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